Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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