we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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