He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
