pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
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