You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
