dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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