We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
MIDGETS
????
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
