I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
