I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
