They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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