Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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