The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Randomize
