Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
