we have pet lesbian snakes
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
