I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
