Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
