I can tuck mytits in my pants
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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