Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
