turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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