i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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