Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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