Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
