He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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