what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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