I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
