Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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