How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
