I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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