All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
