I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
