i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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