So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
