remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
