Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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