I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
