yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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