don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
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