if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
