so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
