Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
