tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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