I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
