Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
