at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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