Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
