having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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