dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
