no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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