one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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