O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
