it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize