Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
