Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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