just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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