this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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