aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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