Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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