I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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