My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
