I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I think I just sharted jello shots
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