I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
