I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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